[W r i t e r' s N o t e b o o k]
a l l m o v e m e n t.....allmovement
into watering shades of blue liquid stone of gray....dots....in pools spreading until they are a sky
in drifts a blue little blue bird....drift in here pretty thing, in and out (all in)
sun shade in leaf past web crossing the fall of space
And wild WILD flowers shaking themselves while water cascades in a mist:
creeeekkkkk creeeeeeeekkkk tooo luuuuuuu brrrrrrrrret ooooommmmmmpa oooooooooooomkmmpa sizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sticsticsticsticsitcsitcsitcsitcsitsticsticsticsticstic
all water in the light of darkness
b l i n d i n g light
water stone sky bird tree leaf ground web flower SPACE
a l l m o v e m e n t.....allmovement
Inasmuch as the writer remembers his first lines while rising between two rocks in the mountains in 1975. And walking proudly nude up the thrashing stream with the dogs and owls and snakes until the summer heat was a blur of heavy dreams. And men and women were in his head in the last days of the great planet Earth. And he laughed with them while cooking boiled eggs on an old wood stove above where the gold was found. Black Spring. Finnegan's Wake. The Bible. Tao Te Ching. Kora in Hell. The Ticket that Exploded. The Rhinoceros. A Season in Hell. I Ching. The Secret of the Golden Flower.
Oh, I was chased out. It rose up and expelled me like a fly from a big steak. The animals howled at me and the trees were like mad men who have taken a political point of view. Scary and absurd at all the same time. The fish were swimming upstream and snakes had formed a row through which I had to walk to make my way out. I was sorely displeased what with the warm rocks I had slept in and the hanging fruit on the trees and pleasant dreams that made life round and perfect.
The sky tumbled down its darkness and lit the life of screaming eyes, invisible hoodoo and screeching clatter.
My feet were bitten by the ground as I groped along, not knowing where I was going wishing I had never left the mountain water, never found the road, thinking backward and remembering REMEMBERING the cool rocks I had rested on and the fascination of the sounds....
There had been so many of them- these creatures with their deadly knives. How was I to know if they'd put me in the middle of the meadow and chase me down?
But they were not the force that had driven me from the quiet green. They were merely the first creatures like myself I encountered when out in the open.
Grunts, squeals and shouts rose from the knoll that faced me directly. I crouched and waited a moment, my eyes tracing the falling sky around. Crouching, I pounced up the small slope until my head peeked over the rim.
The man wrenched the knife out, then turned the pig over and stuck it once more in the neck. Blood spurted up against the mans leg but, ignoring it, he picked the dead animal up and carried it off, past the others and to the side where he dropped the animal then dropped himself alongside, the blood still bursting out. I was transfixed through the whole thing till every pig had been killed and carried off by the vanquisher. Almost all the men went off into the forest with a pig on their back or under their arm. The few who didn't stuck together in a knot behind the rest, swinging their knives against the tall grass.
What strange creatures I thought to myself. And what strange feelings as I watched them. Several times I had turned my head and yet I watched, was mesmerized when my eyes caught sight of the blood engorging and limp bodies.
A group passing around the dream smoke. Soon - everything will be confusion! moveme n t.
shadows on wall
melting outline of
pa s s i n gbody the voices become
s m o k e
and suddenly their eyes come at me and overwhelm the silence and I shrivel and tremble under the gaze still silent their bodies and faces and voices....
The old man was saying, "if I describe a house and a man sitting in it the description brings with it a set of perceptions that can destroy the essence..."
"Oh, that boy...he's really come to play... that's the idea. He suddenly blooms forth from the earth; has life experiences pure life unjudged until, he learns the play is over, that he is separate from all he sees; that the only contact he can have is through a learned form and when he reaches individualization he destroys the whole town.
Every word is a free symbol....
Every space between the word a significant mystery
Paragraphs run with the pace of the body.
The Man of Doom Who Sits on a Mountain
We wound through a scar in the hillside to the summit, driving the summit whining, pulling going through misted blue pulling back shades blowing through them swirling caught and lifted the body shut down tight and I wonder Jack wonders where we are going what's through this smoky cloud where did the ocean go? The light is coming from the mist. Its movement is creating the soft light bounding in front and the crunch crunch underneath.
Jack introduces us, the old man Janus, and his hand is cold or maybe it's mine and his is nothing no touch "You two get acquainted, while I fetch the wood." Friend Jack leaves and we two look at each other and the old one drinks straight from the half-full bottle and offers me some and I take it and drink the drink and the fluid breath and I begin warming inside and ask him why he lives up here.
"They all want to know that and I tell them. Then they never come back."
Then there is a mountain silence that stirs within me moves me to say nothing to simply look at the old man Janus.
"You see, it's all coming to the end. It's curtains and exit time for humans, for all life except the mountains and water and solid things, yeah, anytime now. There ain't no hope. ..no hope is one of the solid things that will remain. First were the dinosaurs and they tripped around for millions of years king of all around them. I can see these beasts around these parts millions of years ago moving as they pleased full of king pride. Yep, they had it their way for a long time then one day ol' nature comes in and cut their feet off so to speak... and they leave without a trace 'cept the shark. So nature has to create another plaything like humans gives them a stab at it goes one step further and gives the new beasts imaginations and dreams see what they can do with it.
"And humans go so far as to create their own nature as if a tree could make itself a tree."
"They don't have to be saved. Each person's just a little bug some squashing others getting squashed that's just the nature of things something you accept but the fact that we're all bugs makes us all even and too small to be eliminated. Yeah the buildings will fall and the machines will change and everything will change for better or worse but we'll remain bugs and when we accept our bugness we become happy and what could a bug want more than happiness? Just a small collection of other bugs a bug wife and bug children doing bug things everyday to keep alive it's always been that way and always will and when everyone accepts it as that we'll all be happy and bugging all the other bugs and won't have to think we're superior or something thinking we have it over the next bug because we think we think or we think and believe and thought and belief is more than bug thought and belief. We're damn bugs and nothin' in the universe is afraid of a bug."
"Ha—Ha' I love that: bug—humans. Bugs that's it Jack; bugs we're bugs and we're going to destroy each other thinking we're not if we only knew. But you're young you have to hold on to a future of some sort even a bug future... I think maybe you'll be up here one day and if you are could you amile every time you pass my grave. Ha-ha-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha"
Then both hahahahahahhahahahahahaheehahahehaehaehahha
Another bottle passed around. Drinking freely warming the insides the words and laughter creating wafting song buried into the wood. Bug talk. Destruction. The end. Empty shelled centipedes blowing in the wind. The dinosaur the shark bugs MEN so strange what is this? Who and what are they destroying? What's the fascination they talk as if some darkness. ..THE DARKNESS, yes, they too must have had the nightmare maybe they do come from the rocks I am one of them. I am.
"I've seen your nightmare, yes yes. I know where it comes from, l know... Jack I know now the background you were there with me. "
"What's your friend here jabbin' 'bout Jack?"
"I don't know. He's as crazy as you. No one knows where he's from. 'Nesia you know. A good loon though strange and good like yourself."
"Now fella, what's this talk about the nightmare and all this, huh?"
"The trees chasing and the exploding water and the blue bolts and blackness the CHASE the appearance between the rocks the sudden THERE, you know..."
"Wow, you better have a little more of this or maybe not... what the hell you talkin' 'bout?
Then the old guy, "I'm all for the survival of the unfit-the misfits, culture puts people to sleep and the waking from the sleep MAKES you a misfit. Unfit, out of synch out of step. A dangerous course. What is culture? A man or woman wakes up suddenly and has idea IDEA and following the excitement of that discovery falls into depression because idea alone is as potent, is as valuable as a little dust raised, then, scattered on a vast arid plain. All problems keep expanding in depth and then there ia a crisis; a plague or a war, and the content swirls and dances seemingly out of control if form is gone. But form has just retreated a bit, taken a breather, and it comes back snaps back bringing everything under its demoniac control."
"And from the beginning people have feared. Animals don't fear. What people have observed as fear in animals is their own fear. Man's observing tool, his ego, projects his fear onto the animal world. When two cats square off they are protecting an area or offspring or simply playing and all these things (at least to the cat) are positive values. The cat values his offspring and territory, he doesn't fear their loss. That's a big difference between man violence and animal violence. Animal violence is a positive protection; man violence is a fear of loss. What does he fear to lose? His life? In war there are innumerable instances of life sacrificing events; men throwing themselves on grenades and mines. Men go to war prepared to die and when he has resolved this he becomes a good fighter. No, I think that what men fear most when he wars is loss of his precious ideas. He identifies his Ideas with time itself. To lose these ideas, to have them decimated by struggle; either the struggle of war or struggle in culture is to lose himself to become a nothing, a zit. Culture demands this from the people. A cat doesn't fight for its identity; a cat knows just KNOWS but men don't know they don't know so they develop culture to tell him.
The Infinite Guy
"It may seem comical to you, me being in this dump, in this mole hill of a town, but I'll tell you something and I tell you because I can see that you're still naive and will listen. I trust your eyes...go ahead and laugh but I'm ah, looking...no. I'm trying to create..now don't laugh... immortality! If I felt it wasn't possible I would end everything right now."
"What is immortality?"
What? Damn, you are naive. LIFE AFTER DEATH!"
"Birth after cessation? Something like that? I don't understand. Please explain."
"Yes, yeah, birth after cessation...no, no more like life, ah, extending itself further into the universe, yeah, something like that... there is a state of delusion created when people are afraid of unknowns and have to create all manners of fantasy to meet the unknown 'X'. Same place that created the fear created the salvation. It's a vicious cycle that's only been devastated for a short time. But now nobody believes in anything much less life after death, ..oh, some revert back to the old salve... the unimaginative ones and it works for them.. .prevents them from shoving a gun in their mouth..do you want to hear more?"
"Of course. You are interesting."
"Crazy. ..but the only way to stay alive in this cow town is to be crazy... anyway, ..how can I explain all this? The universe is a subtle movement, that's a good place to start. It has a movement and rhythm that can't be measured, understood (as we allow understanding) ever. In fact, movement and rhythm are a description a billion light years from what IT is. Immortality gives understanding...that is what immortality..but I'm getting ahead myself. All of these alleged scientific laws ruling the universe are voodoo. Salve...creations ...that work, by god, they work we can send up freaking rockets and men through gravitational pulls and vacuums...but it's still voodoo, scientists are shaman's. We've made them shamans given them that power for salve on the misery of the unknown 'X'. You see, scientists make creation whatever that creation may be, uh gravity for instance and then people give their collective assent and then gravity comes into being... or maybe I should say gravity comes into focus as gravity. When people used to fall down they ascribed the power that to a god or God...now, they blame gravity. I mean, after all, how do we know that when you throw a ball up in the air and it falls back to the earth, how do we know that the ball simply WANTS to come back to the earth?
What it was back when man had looked up at the stars and had truly felt WE ARE? Maybe he did. But somewhere along the way he no longer felt this. He felt separate, alone and frightened. OF EVERYTHING. He banded together but he wasn't ready for it. The mistrust the fear he felt that made him band together was still with him now directed towards his fellows. Destroy everything! Create from anew. There's no need to destroy the physical because the physical is all idea. Destroy the idea; lose the ego but watch out as is seen today people are trying to destroy their ego's and are being picked out of the air like clay pigeons; they are captured 'by one big IDEA.
Well anyway, I have no real beef with science except when people believe in it...it's just superstition and like all superstition works as long as there's belief. I had to say this because science tends bo disbelieve that their is such a thing as immortality. Immortality wouldn't conform to many laws so poof...no immortality. And if you destroy the science that is in you a person is left with a strange power...the power of infinite possibility. Anything is possible including defiance of scientific law. ..including immortality. Men have chosen a very narrow road all through history. It's his beliefs. Belief keeps us away from the infinite possibility. Volumes could be written on this. Anywhere along the way had man cast off his belief totally, well I think we wouldn't need to build rockets to go to the moon; we could fly their ourselves.
I think this is the meaning of the universe ...infinite possibility and I think that when you reach immortality you've reached this place and become part of the universe ...no you become something of the universe itself. What are the two main impulses in people? I call them the UP and BACK impulses. The attempt at connection with what Is UP THERE, you know and BACK THERE at the beginning. These impulses can't be explained away as escape or fantasy..they're as real as this chair. ..Solid within us like the hardness of the chair but moving all the time like atoms. Two things emerge as truth when we think about them the UP and BACK impulses. We know that there's life on other planets or I should say consciousness on other planets and that back there we were bequeathed TRUTHS that have since been perverted or lost. These are not things we think about or formulate consciously but are intuitions, part of our heritage that makes up a great deal of our hopes, desires, philosophy, religions science, etc. the whole shit bag. Our relation to these two impulses determines the quality of life here and now. So the further back we get the closer to the truth we get realizing all the time that we can't view with a clean eye.
People used to think that life was pervaded by spirits... everything was spirit and I believe this is very close to the truth and possibly this is the truth that man has lost. Everything as spirit and consciousness; clods of dirt, spoons, bottles, lightning everything possesses consciousness, ..pure consciousness. The work of a lifetime, ..that's what I'm doing...that's my life. If consciousness is energy or vice versa it must be released at death, ..and as energy connects expands I mean if the universe infinite possibility. It's also infinite discovery I believe this star or conscious' souls or at one time were and evolved to that energy and will keep evolving 'till they explode scatter and term new life tirelessly forever...I think this is immortality.
But it must be discovered. It's not given or at one time it was given but we humans botched it with intellect and reason thinking a closed box and lost it...but the impulse is still there hidden 'but beating, .....behind every act...both sane and mad, but Jesus found it. ..but couldn't communicate it or to communicate had to find an acceptable understandable form like the Hebrew tradition...the tradition he was born into. ..I mean you have to admit the guy is a powerful figure...It was all in a dream I had one evening. I gathered all I knew and spoke with a kind of strange authority to the group. They were totally unaware of the key words I slipped to them and before they knew it I had transformed before their eyes.. ..the illusion was real ...first I organized the good and the good flooded their minds and I became a Jesus figure individually constructed and their mouths dropped and my mother began wailing like a banshee and dropped to the floor on her knees and begged forgiveness and my father almost fainted... and then I flooded their minds with evil and I was transformed into the devil and they both cried out to stop to stop and I did and saw the pain and anguish so told them it was illusion and asked my mother to come over and touch me on the next illusion and I turned into fire raging fire and she came over and touched me and the illusion fell away and I smiled. This was only the beginning though... next I prepared them by saying what I'd do next wasn't illusion and that however much they touched me I would be what they saw. ..and turned into a bird. ..and flew on their shoulders and talked to them and repeated that I was immortal ...then I turned back. And finally I told them that if they were game I could enter their minds and take their consciousness out of their bodies and travel through space and they sweating and groggy agreed and I did and we flew out through the universe to other civilizations and their minds were pure wonder and joy and when I returned them to their bodies they wanted to know the secret... then I woke up."